Happiness and Longing
[Exercise: When was the last time you were happy, really happy?]
This is a difficult question for me to answer because I have such a good life and everything about it makes me feel really happy, starting with the number one reason: my relationship with my sweet Jeffrey, the love of my life. Everything about him and my life with him make me feel really happy. When I think back to how we met, the time we dated, the progression of our relationship, our wedding, the ongoing deepening of our bond, all of these things make me feel so very happy. When I look at his face and see his love for me, when I sit next to him and feel his loving presence, I am truly happy.
At the same time I feel all of this happiness, I also feel a deep longing. There are periods throughout the day, or week, when I desperately want things in my life to change. I want to feel excited about my work. I want to live in a more interesting place. I want to stop worrying about all the people whose sadness I feel. I want to feel calm inside. Exercise helps, as does meditation, but lately, I feel more aware of everyone and everything, especially emotions. My consciousness is rapidly changing, and deepening, and the feeling is intense.
Sometimes I cry—not from sadness, but from the intense love I feel for people, and for the love that is in my life. I wish I could remove the pain and suffering that others are carrying inside. I want to remind people how to love and be loved. I feel an intense longing for oneness with all of creation that can only be described as a longing for God. There’s nothing else that can explain how I feel. So, the last time I was happy? I suppose I am always happy even though I live with such a deep, insatiable longing.
What about you? When was the last time you were happy, really happy?