Not Who You Think I Am

[Exercise: Write about one time you didn’t fit in, whether it was because of race, religion, sexual preference, the shape of your body, your black toenail, your dark mind.]

From a distance I may look like a “fit in,” but come closer and you’ll quickly realize that I’m not the person you thought I was, although you may not know why. I’ve learned proper ways to speak, dress, and behave, but internally my world is different. I’m an emotional intuitive, owl-like in my observations of others and myself. Combine this with the part of me that’s a trickster and you get a dangerous combination that wants to expose what I see and feel. This doesn’t bode well for those around me. My observations are crude and in no way socially or politically correct. If I’m among close friends I can speak openly, with compassion or playfulness to soften the burden of truth, but in business or more formal settings I’ve learned to keep certain revelations to myself.

From an early age I understood the value, and necessity, of pretending to fit in. I figured out what others wanted and became that person. This gave me instant acceptance, credibility, and in some cases, love—or so I thought. I merged emotionally with those around me and confused their emotions as my own. I became so good at holding a loving, nonjudgmental space that I lost myself in the process. I recognize these tendencies in myself now and know how to choose a different response. I’ve gained strength and learned to be who I am—a healer, seer. Yesterday, I was smacked across the face by the wing of an owl, as if to say, “Awaken, dear Stelli! Go out with strength, courage, and the wisdom of who you are. Know that everything you need is already inside of you. And know that I am here with you, always.”